Death to Smoochy -- er, Zakumi

It’s time to talk about mascots. Namely, the official mascot of World Cup 2010, Zakumi.

Now, mascots for international sporting competitions are usually completely, utterly and totally stupid. We get the weird “Fuwa” characters from Beijing, which looked like custey/evil teddy bears, and nine other character abominations throughout the years.

FIFA in particular has been a horrible offender, foisting the worst of mascot abortions to footballing fandom. To wit: Goleo, the ridiculous lion from WC06; Ato, Kaz and Nik (a.k.a. The Spheriks), the weird computer-generated gummy-looking blobs from WC02; and Striker, the lame Underdog rip-off from WC94. (Could Striker be any more anthropomorphically American?)

In 1990 FIFA completely phoned it in, coming up with a stick figure of sugar cubes (or something) in Italy’s colours, with (wait for it) a soccer ball as a head! … and calling it “Ciao.” What the fuck is Ciao? Isn’t your mascot supposed to be welcoming people to your country, not bidding them farewell? (Yes, I know it’s like “aloha” and can mean both, but who really says “ciao” when they say hello?)

But Zakumi? Really?



Look at this fucking thing. It has its hand on its hip — sassy! It’s yellow! It has flowing green hair! And matching green shorts! There are freckles! Wait, is that supposed to be a cheetah?

According to FIFA’s PR hacks, the name “Zakumi” apparently comes from mashing up “ZA,” which stands for South Africa somehow, and “kumi,” which means “10” in certain African languages. Gee, I’d love to have been in the brainstorming session for this one. So, if the tournament were being held in America, would they call him Usadiez?

FIFA tells us that Zakumi is “a Mascot with attitude.” (Uh-oh. Paging Poochie.) But what does that mean?

So what can we say about him? One thing is for sure, Zakumi will be first on the dancefloor and last off it at the biggest party in the world — the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa™. He wants to dance and entertain as many people as he can. He is an animator for fans, players and officials, for schoolchildren, teenagers and big kids alike!

…

Zakumi is a jolly, self-confident, adventurous, spontaneous, and actually quite shrewd little fellow. He loves to perform and always follows his instinct and intuition, yet sometimes has the tendency to exaggerate a bit. You will often find him fooling about and teasing people but not in a mean way. He is warm-hearted and caring, and wants to make as many friends as possible.

…

Zakumi’s main priority is to turn the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa into one huge, joyful and unforgettable party and show the thousands of international guests the warmth and spirit of the African continent.

He just wants to dance, people.

My god, this is the worst of PR pabulum. I should know; I trade in it daily.

Oh, and wait — Zakumi is a leopard, apparently. And that comes with some occupational hazards:

He does have one striking weakness. With all his energy, he needs frequent rests. Occasionally, in-between performances on stage, he may suddenly fall asleep on the spot at the most random times! But rest assured, these are only short breaks that a leopard of his calibre needs to recharge his batteries.

So we have a gay narcoleptic leopard as our official mascot. Great.

While the cartoon rendering is bad, the live-action costume is even worse. Here he is molesting South African World Cup Chairman Danny Jordaan. Here he is sporting some serious camel toe. But one thing we know for sure is, Zakumi loves the fly girls.

I swear on all that is holy, if this fucking thing accosts me at any World Cup event next year, I’m going to kick him squarely in the balls.